Eventually, Scout learned what was going on. That motherfucker (literally) was going out with Sniper. Okay, "going out with" might be the nice term for it, but whatever.

Anyway. For one thing, they were both guys. Scout assumed this explained why Sniper was always talking about gay shit when smoking with Spy, which went against Engineer's dumbass "different dialects of English" and "Scout, different countries have different words for cigarettes" theories. Scout always knew that Engie was a freaking idiot, and this proved it.

For another thing, Spy had been telling Scout he fucked his mom to make him shut up for a long-ass time. With this whole thing going on, Sniper could tell him that he fucked his dad. Two members of his team having retorts impossible to respond to would be a nightmare to deal with. Clearly, Scout needed to put a stop to this.

And he knew just who he had to recruit.

Heavy closed the door in his face.

Medic didn't take him seriously and laughed until Scout left. Freaking mad scientist weirdo.

Engineer listened patiently, then said that the personal lives of others weren't to be messed with or some other smart sounding shit like that.

Pauling hung up on him, though that could've been because he forgot why he was calling and started flirting with her.

Scout was not desperate enough to ask Pyro. They seemed intent on burning a bunch of stuff beyond recognition.

And with that, Scout no longer knew who he had to recruit. Why was it so difficult to make your dumbass dad's life hell? Would he have to talk to the other team? Their Scout was such an egotistical narcissist, not like him at all (obviously), and going over there would be —

Drunken laughter. Incredibly loud shouting. Scout grinned to himself and walked to the source of the voices. Getting Soldier involved in shit was easy; just say it's for some military mission thing or whatever, and Demo could probably be bribed with alcohol.

Demo was close to realizing that Scout, in fact, did not have alcohol to bribe him with. Soldier... didn't seem to care anymore and went back to doing whatever the hell he does. Clearly, it was time to talk to the motherfucker himself.

"Spy!" he called, seeing the good-for-nothing shapeshifting snake rat walking alongside that dumbass... Aussie... Scout'll come up with some insult later. Something about him living in a campervan. Anyway, you know those times when you call to someone and they just turn around to look at you with that look? Like, all tired and stuff? Yeah, Spy was doing that. He looked at Scout like he wanted to be literally anywhere else than talk to him.

"I would rather be literally anywhere else than be forced to talk to you," said Spy. Sniper did that nose snort thing like he heard a joke that was sorta funny but not super funny.

"Yeah, well, me too, ya bastard!" said Scout, inwardly cringing at how that was one of his weaker insults.

"I see you've been following me. Why is that?" Spy asked, crossing his arms and looking better than everyone. Okay, trying to look better than everyone, like he always does. Obviously, Scout looked the best out of everyone in the hallway.

"Well," began Scout, "I got half your genes or whatever, right? I was just practicin' bein' a spy. No big deal. Shit's pretty easy, really."

Spy narrowed his eyes. "And yet, I have caught you every single time." He put his hand on his face like he was really freaking tired of this, and he sighed like he wanted to disappear. Which he totally could. Sniper raised one of his eyebrows and Spy glanced at him, and he, like, smiled kinda. Maybe. Could've been Scout's eyes, but also his vision was totally perfect so really who knows.

"Well. Congratulations on your attempts. Bravo," said Spy, slowly clapping his hands. "J'ai baisé ta mère."

This probably meant that Scout was freaking awesome. Spy noticed the grin on Scout's face and continued: "Tous les mercenaires présent ici sont des imbéciles." Sniper glared at him after that, and Spy smiled a bit. "C'est fascinant à quel point je peux t'insulter de tous les noms d'oiseaux et tu n'en conclu absolument rien."

"Whazzat mean?" Scout asked.

"You wanted to be a spy. Follow in my footsteps, as it were. Do you not understand?" Spy asked. He was practically grinning at this point. "All this following me around, and you do not understand even basic French? Sale garnement! Tu pensais vraiment que de me suivre de manière si insubtile pourrait ne serait-ce qu'entacher ma relation avec Sniper? De plus tu t'acoquines avec un ivrogne notoire et une personne aussi stupide que tu ne l'es."

Okay. Focus. He heard Sniper's name in there. And something about relations? Maybe? Like, Spy could tell that Scout was ruining his love life? Shit, did this mean that he was close to breaking them up? That was clearly the only logical conclusion to come to. "Yeah, I know," said Scout, shrugging as if it were no big deal. "I'm pretty awesome."

Sniper was straight up laughing at this point, which was the wrong reaction to all of this. Spy's grin disappeared from his face and he hissed, "Sniper je t'en supplie, n'utilise pas le peu de ta compréhension du Français pour traduire quoi que ce soit. Laissons simplement le garçon s'imaginer que je le complimente."

Sniper did another one of those nose snort things, implying that this was somehow funny. Maybe looking through that scope 24/7 destroyed his sense of humor or something. Eventually, Scout groaned in exhasperation. "Frickin'... Hey longshots, you're the one datin' this guy. You know what he's sayin'?"

"Just that you're doing a good job with all the spying, mate," Sniper replied.

"Oh, mon dieu," said Spy, dramatically falling to the ground. "Mon paramour is gone forever. However will I go on."

"Wait, Snipes is gone? Like... gone, gone?" Scout asked, his eyes widening. Engineer, who was sitting next to him, sighed.

"Yeah. Said something about there not being any reason to stay," he said. "Poor Sniper."

The rest of the team had a moment of silence for poor Sniper.

Medic was the first to speak up. "Yes, yes, it is very sad. I rather liked hearing the other team complain about their urine soaked outfits. And to think, I was planning on seeing if he could withstand staying up for several months straight." He shrugged. "Such a shame."

"Wait, you were gonna see if he could stay up? Like, without sleepin'?" Scout asked with a brief shudder. He'd tried to stay up for, like, a week once. That didn't pan out well.

"Oh, yes," said Medic. "Would make the Dummkopf's sniping better, ja? He already barely sleeps. All this would do is give him a leg up over the other Sniper." He sighed, disappointed. "Might have to use all that research on you."

Scout's mouth went agape. "Me?!" he shouted.

"Better than letting it all go to waste! A Scout never going to sleep? Why, think of all the possibilities! You could --"

Scout didn't let him finish. "Look. Stayin' up all night's great, but I kinda like havin' dreams. Usually. For the most part. Why not just get hardhat to make a robot Sniper? Don't we fight some of those anyway?"

Engineer seemed to contemplate this. "It'll take a while," he said. Scout grinned, but Engie went back to talking. "I'd have to make sure it ain't perfect. Can't give 'em reasons to replace us. I'd be the only human here, just buildin' robot versions of us all, makin' sure they can destroy Gray's army. Y'all can go back to Boston with your brothers, and..."

"We'd have to go home?" said Scout. Sure, the food was better there, and he wouldn't have to deal with all the shit that annoyed him, but he kinda liked it here. Immortality, bashing people's heads in, hats...

"Afraid so. You'd be obsolete," said Engie, putting a hand on Scout's shoulder.

Scout had no idea what that meant, but it sounded bad. "That is very bad," said Heavy, proving Scout correct. Pyro agreed, then brought up another consequence of Sniper being gone.

They all had another moment of silence for poor, obsolete, gone forever, Sniper.

Blah blah blah Scout does something

Scout looked around, trying to find the dumbass van Sniper lived in. He saw it driving away, and he chased after it, practically screaming Sniper's name to get his attention. "Stop the frickin' van, asshole!" he shouted, not giving up with the begging until the van slowed and then stopped. Scout made his way to the driver's side of the van, knocking at the window until Sniper rolled it down.

"Snipes! Ya can't leave!" said Scout. "It'll be total crap without you!"

Sniper sighed and closed his eyes. "Ain't that a shame," he said. "Eh, it's better this way. Spy cheated on me, yeah? Do ya really think I'd work with him again?" He shook his head. "I've been with RED long enough, anyway."

"Spy didn't cheat on you!" Scout blurted out. "I wrote that letter."

Sniper raised an eyebrow. "And the condoms?"

"Put lotion on 'em and put 'em on his bed."

"The lipstick kisses?"

"I stole Soldier's roommate's sleeping potion, okay? Got Demo to put some in Spy's wine, Spy drank it, I drew a buncha kisses on him," Scout said, eventually grabbing his head and making an exasperated sound. "I wanted to break you guys up! You're so frickin' annoying! And d'ya think I want you to be datin' my dad?!" He was close to crying at this point, stomping his feet in agitation. "I hate this."

Sniper stared at him, in that expression that snipers keep using when they're focused on something. "Our personal lives ain't your business."

"You sound just like Engie," Scout scoffed.

At some point, Sniper takes out a portable recorder and reveals that he recorded Scout's confessions. Also he's like, what, three years older than Scout? So that gets brought up. Point is that this asshole can't catch a break. That's the main point I'm trying to get at here. Scout was played for an absolute fool.

I don't know what an amusing ending would be. All I have is something like, "Scout decides not to fuck with his coworkers' lives", but like. Scout wouldn't learn. Also that's not a very funny ending. Sniper literally illegally recorded his partner's son's confessions lke idk I think that a more stupid ending is warranted??